OMG IT'S A PARODY CALLED: Christmas on Crack
by everyoneisMISunderstood
Summary: Uh... I totally suck at summaries so uh... yeah uh... I guess uh... Haha, just kidding! A parody, clearly. Rated T for outrageously strange behavior by characters and extremely silly nonsense.


**(A/N) So how was this brought on? I read my old story… Christmas with the Flock. It was so awful, I wanted to cry. I even pulled the mistletoe thing, and I didn't even do it with class…So I decided to poke some fun at myself, because when all else fails, just laugh it off. This is dedicated to anyone who wanted to hit themselves in the head after reading something they wrote earlier on. Oh yeah, and this is a lot more crude than what I normally write, just warning you. It's not bad though.**

**A very screwed up Max's POV**

The world was still and quiet. No rat was stirring. Or something like that… you've read the story, what's it called again? Night before Christmas, perhaps? Oh wait just a gol-darned minute! Silly me, I'm off topic! So what was I saying? Oh. Right. The world was still and quiet… until Nudge suddenly burst through my door, suddenly having no consideration for me and my privacy!

"Like, seriously, Max if we don't go Christmas shopping I'm going to DIE! I WILL DIE! I MEAN, SERIOUSLY, EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT THIS DRAMATIC IN THE BOOKS I'M SHOUTING ANGRILY AT YOU UNTIL WE GO SHOPPING!" Nudge flashed me the Bambi eyes, which judging by how often she did it, shouldn't have any effect by now… ah, well.

I didn't even think twice and abandoned all of my leader-like qualities. "Guys. We _need_ to go shopping or Nudge is going to _die._" I felt the need to be harsh and demanding. "IF YOU DON'T GET DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW…"

The flock appeared, cowering at my feet. "Wh-wh-whatever you s-s-s-say M-m-max…" I took great pleasure in seeing them so scared of me. I should be demanding more often.

"Nudge, I'm spontaneously changing my mind. Me and Fang need to go Christmas shopping." I said, firmly.

Fang started whining, which was unlike Fang, but who really cares?!?!?!?!?! Yay for over used exclamation and question marks!!!!!!! "I don't _wanna_ go, Max."

"Please, Fang?" I pulled out the amazing whiny Max voice that was never anywhere in the books. "Please, for me?" I tried to make myself as annoying and helpless as possible so my big strong bird-man could help me.

Fang's voice randomly went deep and gruff and *OMG SWOON!!!!!!!!* so, so _sexy_. Wait! I'm only friends with Fang! Duh! Man… I was so busy thinking to myself I missed what he just said. "Huh?" I asked unintelligently.

In that same, wonderful manly voice he said, "Sure. I love doing _anything_ with you." Wait. Fang was totally flirting with me. Just out of nowhere. I mean, really, out of absolutely nowhere. Seriously, where did all this random hitting on and pervertedness and attraction and such come from?

I giggled, even though I never giggle. I couldn't help it. Fang made me full of rainbows and unicorns and all sorts of happy totally fantastical things. "You're so sweet, Fang!" Oh. Right. Shopping… time to remember it's not always about me and Fang's relationship, but there is actually a point. "Let's go!"

After many painful but wonderful, fun but terrible, amazing but awful (Because sometimes I just can't decide whether things are good or bad. I just get sorta clueless you know? (Oh dear… there I go again trailing off with no point to anything) hours shopping

**(A/N) Wait. Stop. What's a good parody without a random AN in the middle? So guys. I'm gonna ramble about pointless stuff now. How's life? I'm pretty well; it's Christmas Break now, so I should be updating more. But you don't care about my personal life. Ever read **_**The Hunger Games**_**? You should. It's awesome. Back to the story now! **

we returned to the house and everyone was spread out. I found a mysterious note lying on the couch and instinctively knew it had to be mine.

_Put this on. I know you wouldn't wear this ever, but still you need to look gorgeous all the time. Just like me. I love Iggy. Did you know that? No, of course not, because Niggy is always shoved in the background and stuff and I'm clearly doing rambling that seems totally forced, you know? I hate Ella. She's trying to steal Iggy away from me. It's awful. I hate her. Anyway. Fang will fall in love with you when he sees you in this. Even though since I'm only eleven and shouldn't go in Victoria's Secret, I automatically know that this is the lingerie for you…LOVE NUDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_

In a trance that I can't explain, I started going up to my room, stressing about how hot I'll look in this. I pulled on the nightgown thing and suddenly… "Guys. I need to play in the snow." Angel said, glaring at me. Then Gazzy popped up because for some reason, everyone always forgets Gazzy. "Max you look really pretty, and I'm sorry but since you're going to conveniently forget to change, you have to wear that in the snow."

"Cool beans!" For some reason, I was saying very un-Maxlikeishesque phrases. "Let's go. Oh wait. Time for me to totally act like a bimbo and try to seduce the love of my life. Be right back!"

I walked into Fang's room, somehow magically knowing how to balance on the 75 inch heels Nudge bought me. "Holy shi-"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I screamed before backhanding him. "No language you freak!"

But then I returned to my _special_ voice I saved just for Fang. "Anyway… even though I just accused you of swearing like a sailor, you still love me." I looked up and then at Fang, then up and at Fang then up and at Fang then up and… you get the point. "Mistletoe…" I purred. "You know what that means…we're going to jump each other right now and sleep with each other!"

_**(*%&#($&*()&^#&*TWENTY MINUTES LATER*()^#$&*%#(^#$(**_

Somehow, even during our romantic antics, the flock didn't notice. Normally that would seem suspicious, but not today in Christmas on Crack! "Let's gooooo!" I said giddily, so happy that Fang and I were now a couple after, ahem, doing _it._

We got into a snowball fight. Even though we're freakish mutants, we looked like a picture or a movie or something like that. We were beautiful, majestic creatures. Wait. Hang on a sec. I just remembered that I'm supposed to have serious self-esteem issues or something.

What's it called when you act not like yourself? Out of character? I heard in a magical wonderful land it's called "OOC". Hm… mysterious…

Anyway, back to the snowball fight and snow-angel making stuff. A snowball hit me right in the face. Nudge was giggling like a maniac, which is something she clearly doesn't do. But you know, oh well. "I GOT YOU BAD!" She screamed before randomly turning and hugging Iggy.

Angel's eyes started glowing red. Well what do you know, a new power? "You… don't mess with my mommy!" She shouted before pulling out a machine gun snowball launcher thing, even though the flock clearly can't afford stuff like this.

Nudge collapsed on the ground crying and- "How come everybody always forgets me!!!!!!!" Gazzy cried angrily before getting all angsty and stuff.

I laughed, and the noise was like the

**Time for the random and pointless Fang POV change!!!!**

I stared at her for all eternity. She was so mysterious. Her perfect blonde hair shone with the luster of liquid gold and cascaded down her back. She was grandiose and sumptuous, even though since I have no education I shouldn't know what those strange words mean, I somehow just _do._ Because that's the kind of power Max has over me. Yeah…

**And now back to Max's POV! YAY!**

"Fang, am I pretty? Even though I'm all frosty?" I asked, fluttering my lashes coated in snow like some porn star.

"You're the sexiest thing on earth…Er, I mean you're so beautiful, I can't even look at you."

OMG!!!!!!!! I love Fang. How could I not see it before!??! OMG. I'm like, sooo stupid. Like, suddenly, I like, act like a preppy valley girl because that's just the kind of effect Fang has on me. *Sigh…*

"RAWR!!!!!!!!" Oops. Someone forgot Gazzy again…

Ella was upset because all she ever wanted was to have a normal Christmas with her favorite sister ever. Me. Ella has brown hair and brown eyes, and since she's Hispanic tan skin. Now that I'm done pointing out the obvious, let's cut to the chase. "We need to go decorate the tree guys!"

We all ran inside, tripping over each other so we could decorate the dang Christmas tree. "Silly flock…" I murmured in a nurturing tone because I remembered I'm supposed to be motherly and caring.

And of course, while decorating the tree, we had to do the whole she-bang. I mean, pretty sparkly lights, tasty popcorn strings, glimmering shiny tinsel and ornaments. And… drumroll… the star. "I want to put the star on the tree!"

"No, I want to!" Fang said as tears streamed down his face. What's with Fang's silly old emotions? Eh, who knows, as long as it fits with the plot, am I right!?

I held up my hands and said in an authoritative voice, "Guys. I'll settle this. ROCK PAPER SCISSORS TOURNAMENT!"

It was Angel versus Fang. But Angel had mind reading abilities so naturally this wouldn't actually work, but perhaps the mind-reading thing was turned off? Any who, with a steady and bold hand, Angel threw out a flat hand. Paper… Fang made a fist representing rock. "OH! You just got pwned by a six year old! EPIC FAIL!" This random kid watching stalkerishly from the window said.

Then he looked at me. His eyes widened. "Well, hello there, Miss Hottie…"

Suddenly, Fang jumped him out of jealousy! "You don't talk to my girlfriend like that!"

"G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-girlfriend….? Are we…together?"

"Yeah we are, Ma-"

Then out of nowhere, Iggy was being his usual blind, perverted self while making out with Nudge in the corner. Ella came with a shotgun and killed them both out of jealousy. Then, Fang left me. I curled up in a ball and cried. Gazzy… who knows what happened to Gazzy, he's not important. And Angel took over the world.

The End.

**(A/N) For those of you who don't get the ending, it's supposed to be one of those "I couldn't figure out how to end it, so I'm gonna throw this out there! **

**Alright, so this was really just a joke. It wasn't even really anything to do with Christmas, it was just sorta in the background. This was me venting kinda, and me laughing and making fun of mainly myself. I hope nobody takes offense. Remember guys, I do stuff like this all the time, just not exaggerated much as I hate to admit it. I don't even know where I pulled half of this stuff out from, a lot of it isn't even in fanfictions (if that makes sense) but I hope you got some chuckles out of this.**


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